What is wrong with me…

Today I woke up very grumpy. I slept well, I have no idea why I am feeling this way. I am snapping at everyone. Im starting to wonder if its medically related.  I am typing this post more for me than anything. Hell any of my posts are just for me. So many things are upsetting me of late. I have a lot of good in my life but why am I only seeing the bad?

To start, I hate my job. Well I should say I hate my boss. I work for a man that gives no appreciation to his employees. He treats them badly.  If something goes wrong within the business, its the employees fault, never his, even when it blatantly is.  He gives no time off. He constantly says things like business is slow so he is going to close the office.  He says this when his only two employees are me and my fiance and we just bought a house a month ago. We constantly feel like we are walking on egg shells. We are getting married in two weeks and we are afraid to ask for time off for a honeymoon.  Hell we are afraid to ask for any time off with this guy. He spends money like he earns a million a month and bitches why he doesnt have money. He robs peter to pay paul in his bills. More than once our checks were bounced because he didnt have the funds in there and he had to quickly transfer money to cover our salaries. I dislike being insulted when he doesnt like how something is done. If i hear him say “youre lousey with details” one more time im going to shove his details up where the sun doesnt shine. Im here from 745 am till 5pm. I am suppose to get an hour lunch but since Im most of the time the only one in the office, I dont get to actually leave the office and take an hour away from it. I have to deal with companies in China that make our products and on more than one occasion they have messed up. So he takes it out on me, again swearing and saying how he should shut down the business. I realize when I get home from work that I spend about five waking hours in my new house every day. 9 hours in this smelly office with a money hungry, chauvanistic ex con boss of mine. Seriously, I want to find a new job. I miss my days of being a stay at home mom. I wish I could find a job that I enjoy doing or something I could work from home doing. I love crafting and wish I could find some way to earn a living doing that.

My grumpiness bled into snapping at my kids this morning. My youngest has a strong personality resemblence to my ex husband, who is on the spectrum himself. My ex had a tendancy to focus his life and converastions on what held his interest in his life. If someone tried to change the subject and talk about something else, he’d find a way to drag it back to his favorite topics or himself.  I find my youngest doing this. His favorite topic is gaming. He wants to talk about the game all the time. My fiance and I constantly try to get him to talk about other things. Soccer, school, boy scouts, anything. This morning on the way to the bus stop, in my grumpy state, I snapped at him and started yelling and pointing out how his father did this and it cost him friendships because no one wanted to sit around and talk all the time about his favorite topics. I told my youngest I didnt want him to fall into the same situation. It upset him, and i should have kept myself reigned in since he was about to start his day at school and I probably set a negative tone for him.  I truly and greatly regret that right now.

My oldest had a couple of minor medical issues we are having checked out and one is a mystery. Every test has been run but the dr cant figure out why his elbow has swelled like it was injured, yet he has no pain. It brought me more than a little stress in the last day or so, to the point of tears.

I myself have not been 100%.  Ive had this cold that is running around the house and when I though I had an ear infection, turned out i had an impacted ear which didnt allow it to drain. This caused lymph nodes on my left side of my head to swell, painfully. It also caused blemishes, large ones, to errupt on the left side of my face and scalp. I looke like a throw back of the elephant man (at least I think so in my grumpy state). They flushed out my ear and removed the impaction and said in a couple days I should feel better.  On top of this, my cycle came three days early and 8 days later, is still going. I am really hating this. The birth control Im on was suppose to stop the horrendous cycles I had but this other medication im on has brought them back.  Im starting to wonder if I am going through menapause already or if Im massively depressed and need another drug.

We are getting married in two weeks and my fiance wanted it small. There is a part of me that wanted another semi big wedding. Like..50 people. But I had the large wedding before adn didnt want to pay the money for one. So we are having a small one in two weeks in our yard and then going to dinner after. There are three couples that will be there with their kids. A total, with us of 17 people. He has grumped about getting a suit and having to wear it to dinner after. I did get a wedding gown, an inexpensive one and was so fortunate that I didnt need to have it altered. The whole wedding with dinner might cost us 2000.00. I wanted to get the tiniest of wedding cakes (a topper) to have at dinner and he questioned why? When I mentioned how I would decorate the yard he questioned that and started saying how he had wanted very simple and would have been content to get married in his work clothes at the town hall. This has seriously put a damper on all this for me. It makes me not as excited about it. I love this man so much and wanted to be special and pretty to have wonderful memories of for years to come. He’s grumping about pictures being taken..about a tiny video being made for the sake of the family (since they arent coming).  Dont get me started on that arguments with my mother about that either. There were screaming matches over the phone two days ago about shit she says that is so mean. She was not the most pleasant person when I was married the first time 20 years ago either. She hasnt improved with age. His parents are not happy about not being here for it either but at least they are respectful about it.

I want to go on a real honeymoon. Like travel someplace either warm or exotic. Either someplace to lay on a beach and be waited on or a cruise or maybe a trip to italy. I have wanted to go to italy for years now and had to cancel the trip once (due to moving to get away from my mother).  But we just bought a lovely house and I dont want to blow our savings away. So we are taking a mini stay-cation. Its not what I want. I feel like I give up a lot of what I want to make everyone else happy and honestly Im sick to death of it.

And to add to the bitch fest, Im growing seriously disenchanted with the sca.  The politics behind everything take the joy out of it. I have to say i dont even enjoy taking pictures anymore. The last event I was at there had to have been 15 other people taking pictures. I couldnt get into a good spot to get good shots. It was also when I started to feel poorly from the cold going around the house so I said fuck it and went and sat in my chair and took a short nap.  I must be getting old because I want to just stay home and relax in the new house and do crafty things. Party of me wants to go to events but the ones I like are a good hour + drive away and I just dont want to do that drive anymore. I had a friend at the last event ask why I didnt compete in competitions anymore with my arts and I told them about how years ago I was burned bad but a judge that gave really bad comments that were downright vile. It made me not want to compete again. Ive decided that I like doing what I do and if it means I wont get the peerage I want then oh well. I dont want to keep fighting for it, to be good enough in their eyes to get it. Its draining. Ill do what I like to do and thats it. Ill keep it as accurate as possible and ill document but I dont want to go out there and enter competitions and be like “look at me! look at what i do! dont I do good stuff?”. It dont like what that makes me feel like.  Man I am getting old. Crotchety too aparently. ROFL!

I did say I was grumpy, didnt i?  Like I said I dont know why i am this way. I have friends. I have a new great house. I have a loving man. I have great kids who are good and in good health. I have a job. I have my health.  So why is it I can only see the bad stuff right now? It made me cry some on the way to work. I need to do something to turn this around. I am open to suggestions.

 

 

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