The American Dream…down the toilet

Two banks have shot us down for a mortgage on the house we want. It is soul crushing. It makes us feel like second class citizens. We make nearly 100K combined salary, have good credit historys but because I havent been at my job a full year (though employed without breaks for nearly two years) they wont give a loan.

I have a disabled child that has autism. The house is on a dead end street, on half an acre of land….perfect for him. It would mean no change to his schooling (nor his brothers).  I feel like I should never have shown them the house. They were so upset. I cant even begin to convey his reaction when we had to tell him. 

I feel like maybe I jinxed it.

Maybe I made to many plans too soon like picking paint samples.

Maybe I shouldnt have painted a Christmas ornament that had our names on it and the saying “Our House is a very, very, very fine house”.

Maybe I shouldnt have planned on getting a family dog figuring we’d be there.

Maybe I shouldnt have planned to get married on the property under the blooming japanese maple in the Spring.

Maybe I shouldnt have done the sketching and dreaming I did.

Maybe my daft mother shouldnt have bought new bedroom furniture for the boys like she did (even after I told her not to and to cancel the order, which she did not and now we have to find storage for them because they cant be returned).

I feel beaten down. Broken. I dread the thought of staying in this house we rent now with broken faucets and 20+ year old ripped carpeting and leaking showers that are making the floors soft and back steps that are broken and dealing with a slumlord that says he’ll fix everything but then never follows through.  You call the local housing authority and they say all they can’t do anything about is the steps to the bulding and “We have seen worse than yours”.   One family member made the comment that if we made less money we would probably have had a home approval in minutes.  He’s probably right.

What gets me about this…is disappointing my boys. They were so excited about moving into a house where theyd have their own rooms for the first time in their lives…where they could get a family pet and have a yard to play in and possibly a pool one day. I cannot convey the upset of my oldest that has the autism. He was inconsolably sobbing…and it just broke my heart.

Hard to just go about my day today when All I want to do is lay in bed and sleep and mourn.  We try to do the right thing for our family, give them the best life we could in the best possible situation to give them the opportunity to grow up in a happy environment and make their lives full. Now, thanks to the real estate bubble burst some years back, the people that legitimately have the funds and stability to hold a home loan they scrutinize and nitpick and if there is the tiniest of flaws in their eyes, they say no.

Yes I know Im probably over reacting but I feel like I’ve been beat up emotionally over all this. My guy feels the same way, only he doesnt cry. Its ok, I feel like I am doing enough for both of us.



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