Learning to Love Myself

I am not a small woman, I am well aware of it and weight loss is difficult for me with the medical issues and past injuries I have.  It weights heavy on my mind and I am guilty of self hate/loathing over my body insecurities so I understand completely where this woman is coming from in this article. It is a good article to me and though I have not yet achieved self acceptance or self love (let alone like, right now) I am working on it. I still avoid looking in full length mirrors and avoid having photos taken of me. So, I have asked the same questions of my fiance that she has asked of her husband.  He is loving and caring and says I am beautiful.  Its slow going and some days are better than others, but I am working on it.
I cried when I read this article but I am so glad to have found it. Today, it was that light in a very dark room that I needed.



“State of the Union”

I am happy.  It’s been a long, long time since I have been able to seriously say that and mean it. I have said it in the past, when asked by friends how I was doing, etc, but I was not being truthful with them or myself, because I wasn’t happy.  I can honestly say that I am now.  That being said, my life isnt all sunshine, rainbows and unicorns prancing about, but for the most part, I am happy.  I have my guy in my life who has made me the happiest I have been in regards to being in a relationship with someone.  I have been in several relationships and I have to say this one has been the best.  He proposed to me in October and we are planning for a Spring wedding.
We are bidding on a house and have high hopes of being in before the end of the year. The boys are so very excited about it and are excited to have their own bedrooms for the first time in their lives.

Im at a job I enjoy going to and I get to work with my guy (though not directly throughout the day). Somedays we ride into work together, other days we are at seperate buildings.  My boss, who I worked for in the past and was…tempermental to say the least is a completely different person and its actually a pleasure to work for him. Today he said something about paying for mine and my guy’s insurance fully. If he does do that, it will be such a relief for us as our insurance just went out to 550.00 a month for the two of us through NY State of health. Yea i know that isnt pricey as some plans are but for our income it is, especially with an impending rise in our monthly housing payment.

The boys are doing well. My oldest is in high school, my youngest is in middle school, both doing well in their studies…despite common core (dont get me started). My younger one,  plays trumpet at school for his second year now and still loves it. He talks about continuing till high school and being in the band there as they do a trip to Disney World and play marching through the park.  He is also playing soccer in the spring and fall with the township league.  Both boys are in cub scouts and step up to Boy Scouts in February.

Im anxious about the housing process.  i want them to come back and just say definitively that “Yes, you have the loan”.  We have filled out ALL THE PAPERWORK, signed our names literally 41 times, paid 450.00…all just for the mortgage application.  The inspection has been done ($350.00) and all is right with the house but for little things. The appraisal by the bank was done this past Monday, but I dont have status of that yet. It all makes me nervous. I want them to write or call back and say for sure we are being given the loan. It would ease my mind so much and I would relax more and maybe be able to do a few of the more fun things like pick out shower curtains and accessories for the bathrooms. Shop for an additional piece of furniture for the livingroom….new carpeting for the bedrooms. ya know? The waiting is unnerving! i also cannot wait to tell the landlord we are giving 30 day notice of moving out. Too many month of living with home repairs that have never been taken care of after countless requests. I have a bathroom faucet that the cold knob wont turn at all. The back steps are rotting out and two years ago he said he built a new riser and would install it after the ground thawed. Also said two years ago he’d replace the carpeting with a berber. None of these things have happened.  It is infuriating. Hence, time to go. Perhaps this was his eventual goal to begin with..to drive us out.

Crafting I am knitting socks, embroidering a book for a friends elevation, getting over a cold (thank you boys!). Just going about life day by day and hoping for that email or call that asks when i want to set up a closing date on the house. Part of me wants to start packing, but where would I go with the boxes?  So, we wait.  Till then we enjoy life and take it one day at a time and relax.

*biting my tongue*

So, I find this rude. If youre going to introduce a person to the people in the room, such as a newcomer to your local sca fighter practice, you make sure to introduce them to everyone. This one woman in my shire, who manages to end up doing it every time, has now..not once, not twice, but on three seperate occasions introduced the newcomer to the room and stops at my guy and myself, as if we werent even there.  This has happened on three seperate occasions over the last couple of months.  I looked at my guy, who looked at me quizzically and then he said in a semi loud voice “What are we not here?  She must not be able to see us from four feet over.”  “Oh..I guess its cause we arent at her table that we don’t count”…”no, maybe she forgot our names?”  Nothing.

This person is a peer in our group. Now, I can understand it happening once. Maybe she got sidetracked in her thinking, anything. But three times? Now its just being billigerent.  I am not particularly fond of this person to begin with but this does nothing to improve my opinion.  If you don’t like me for whatever reason, there is no reason to be rude. I dislike a few people in my world, but I am always civil and respectful to them in a public setting.

I have just had it.

Courage and Kindness

This week, I was suppose to be vacationing with friends in Vermont. Due to an emergency on my parent’s end I lost my babysitting so I had to cancel that trip with friends. I am sorely upset about that as my guy and I desperately need a vacation. We had to cancel Pennsic due to health reasons. We havent had a vacation since Pennsic last year. I seriously need some time off.

So, instead this week I will be furiously prepping for Crown on Saturday. I have a couple of projects that I am working on. I want to embroider up the viking garb I have so I look spiffy for crown as I am being fought for.  I want to get the sketch on the ground fabric for the commissioned book for the laurel elevation done and pick out silks and perhaps start the embroidery. I also need to whip out some garb for the boys to wear as they have none except one summer tunic that were hand me downs from a friend. I found some fabulous striped linen fabric at my local event last weekend that would make great viking pants. I need to throw that in the washer and dryer to get it ready to cut out.

There is grocery shopping that needs doing but thankfully not a huge list. We are out of meats in the freezer. Ive got a hankering for a roast. Tonight will be tri tip on the bbq but after that all that is left in the freezer is ice cream, a pack of chicken, a couple packs of sausage and various frozen veggies. I have been in a rut in cooking of late. I want to utilize the crock pot more but sometimes the prep time for that is a lot and with getting the boys ready for school and out to their entirely too early bus pick ups there isnt a lot of time to prep food for the crock pot and get myself ready in time. I am torn: there are tons of recipes I want to try…ive pinned hundreds on pinterest but then i get home from work and I lack the energy and enthusiasm to do them. My guy has even said he is in a rut cooking wise (since he primarily does most of the cooking now).

I am making lists. What i want to make as gifts for Christmas (cause if we get the house, money will suddenly be tight), projects I want to do for the future, etc. Today I will do some christmas shopping for the boys (online of course) so I can get some of it out of the way. Lego sets and pokemon cards are this years desired gifts. Maybe a couple of games for the Wii and Xbox.

I have to say I am loving this warm weather. I would be just fine and dandy happy if it stayed all winter long. I am not a lover of the cold. I have walked outside several times today and just stood in the sun soaking it up like I am one giant solar cell. (picture Wall E)

Work has been good. Ive been back at the antique store for three months now. Its different than when I worked here the last time. The boss is calmer and doesnt fly off the handle like he use to. He’s actually fun to work for so far. He has made the passing comment more than once about Ryan and I taking over the business in a few years when he retires.  That one took me off guard. Till then, its a paycheck and it covers the bills and hopefully soon…a mortgage of our own.

So overall right about now life is good. Making plans. Hoping for the best.  Courage and kindness. Loving life, being brave.