My view is a bit grey from where I sit

I’m feeling rather melancholy today. There are quite a few things contributing to it. I know most of them will seem trivial and are most likely something I’ve complained about in the past but there are some days where things get to me more than others. There are some days where I can’t fight the sadness that I am able to push down any other day. Its weird when you read a post on somebody’s wall and it really triggers a response inside you because it hits home.

One of the things bothering me is I bought a wedding dress online. It’s one of those ones that I’m sure is made in China so it’s not like it could be really tailored to fit me. But when I got it the skirt was all wrong they were missing applique patches on the bodice. I know I get what I pay for it wasn’t expensive maybe $150 and it’s a size that apparently the Chinese think is what I am and it’s not. And after talking with a friend of mine who is going to help me alter it there just really is too much to alter on it for my liking. I keep dreaming about a wedding that I want and probably won’t have because of the personality of my fiance. He isn’t into big shows he’s a very private person he’s on the shy side. And honestly he’s been so hesitant about everything even though he’s put a deposit on a ring that it kind of kills it for me. So I just want to return the dress and either make something very simple that resembles something from Pride and Prejudice or just get white capri pants and some cute shirt and sandals and go get married on a beach somewhere something. I don’t know why I’m obsessing over this because I already had my big wedding with my ex-husband. Maybe because I’m so much in love. I wanted to have all the bling and fun with him and since he hadn’t been married before I thought maybe he would want it too when really it comes down to its what I want. Part of me doesn’t want a huge wedding but a part of me still wants a little bit of a wedding with some close friends, a pretty white dress and him in a nice suit and we go on a nice honeymoon somewhere that I’ve always wanted to go like Italy or St Lucia or something like that. But that’s not what’s going to happen and I have to accept that realization.
The other thing that’s got me down is the whole working towards a peerage in the SCA thing. I’ve read some articles lately from friends that have posted about getting a peerage and all the work that goes into it and how everybody is raising the bar higher and higher to be accepted and admitted into the order that your working towards. They said how it seems that with the bar being raised higher people are getting frustrated that have been working towards it and giving up. I think I’m one of those people. It makes me sad because I’ve been working towards one for like 15 years and I just again have to admit that maybe there are just some people that don’t get into the order no matter how much you try and that perhaps I am one of those people. What I need to do is just go on and do the things I like to do and not worry about what will everybody else think and whether it will get me into the order and if I’m working properly towards it because honestly it’s taking some of the fun out of it.

All of this is what’s making me melancholy this morning. It makes me question whether all the things that I want in life are really things I should be concentrating on. Do I want too much? Am I not concentrating on the here and now? Maybe I should just give up some of these dreams I have because they are out of the question or unreasonable. I have to give up on having the fairy tale because, truly they dont exist and I have to get my head out of the clouds.

So today is going to consist of seeing if I can return this wedding dress and looking into the next project that I do that is going to be for fun and not worry anymore about the eyes that may or may not be watching. Ill do what I want for the reasons that I want to, nothing more. Knit socks, embroidery trim for friends, make nice garb for my family, etc.

I know these things are going to be hard to let go at first and I’ll probably still be sad about them for a while but I have to come to terms and just admit that what I want is not feasible or attainable and try to move on.

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It is What it is

I didn’t want much out of life. I had no lofty goals growing up of wanting some grand career and being wealthy. I thought about being a lawyer and took one semester of classes for it and knew in the first three weeks that this was not my path and dropped them.  I don’t remember wanting to be anything in particular except happy. I wanted to be somewhat popular and happy and relatively relaxed.  I wanted a nice home and a loving family, a corgi puppy and a job I liked. Not a career that would be all encompassing and consuming, just a 9-5 job. I had gotten a degree in art and education so I thought if I had a job as a teacher I could be home with the children when they were.  I saw my self entertaining friends one or two nights a week and having nice outings and trips on the weekends. I pictured having intelligent well mannered children who grew up and we’re successful.  I saw myself comfortable and happy and loved. I wanted to enjoy life by living it to the fullest and experiencing all I could.

It hasnt turned out quite that way thus far.

Honestly,  I have a lot of that in some respects. I am loved by a wonderful man (after a divorce).  I have two loving great boys who do well in school. One is autistic and the other is on the spectrum as well.  That makes things difficult. IEPs and meetings and therapists and all kinds of therapies and medications.  Very stressful but I love them unconditionally.  I don’t have a nice home with a corgi puppy. I rent a mobile home where there land lord won’t repair or replace anything and doesnt allow pets.

I don’t have friends over a lot. Even after being in a social club for over 23 years,  I wouldn’t say I’m popular. I wouldn’t even say I was well liked. I suppose Im one of those people you either love or hate..no in between ground. I see the people I call friends socializing with others, posting on facebook about it, etc.  I long for that as it doesnt seem to be what I have. I have a couple of close friends I can tell anything to. Unfortunately they are all minimum 3 hours away.  It makes it hard to stay in close contact.   Or friends that I was close to, have found others and have drifted from me.  I know in life that is going to happen, but it hurts. I feel its friends for life unless something horrible was done to warrent ending the friendship.

I know..this is all stuff I have bitched about before.  It’s just hard. I know..one of my “friends” would tell me to man up and deal with it or get over it or something but you tell me how you would think if you felt like you were on the outside looking in. To long to be a part of a group, to be included and have people want to be in your company.  The person who would tell me this is popular and sought after for friendships.  I was always the outsider. YOu know those clicks in high school..i never fit into any one of those. Not a preppy nor a druggie nor a goth nor a geek in the AV room all the time. I was in band and orchestra and choir. Yea..whatever that click was called (and yea i know its not actually spelled “click” but screw it i cant think of the proper spelling).

I understand I have to learn to accept my little part of the world. Its not bad really. Ive got a great man whom I adore and that loves me, great kids I also adore, Im not lacking for anything, got all the basic necessities. How do you get rid of the “silly” desires and wants? Im open to suggestions.  Don’t get me wrong, I have been trying to focus on the good stuff and all i have but when its that time of the month, the hormone levels bounce around and sadness sets in, it isnt so easy.   It is what it is I suppose. Something an ex use to say to me all the time. Pissed me off when he did but, he’s right.  Nothing you can do cause it just is what it is.

Hopefully the funk will lift by the weekend.

Dragging…

Its been some time since I have posted. Today, I am seriously dragging. I am unsure whether I am having an allergy attack from spending two hours in a cave tourist attraction yesterday or Ive caught the summer cold my oldest son has.  Either way, that has me dragging along with being awake since 3am and lets add PMS on top of that.  I feel like ass and now Im at work in an un-airconditioned office with the temps supposedly going up to mid 90s today. I am going to be a grumpy individual today.

I have been a bit lax in my healthier eating regimen. Yes I have been staying away from things like white bread, pasta, rice, etc.. I have had whole wheat bread a little more often and I think that needs to be eliminated again.  The boss at work buys lunch for the office everyday and I have been eating too many calories in that respect. I need to find a lower calorie option for when he buys. Start doing salads again or skip and go to Subway and have my favorite sandwich there that is only 375 calories on a whole wheat bun.  When I saw they had wraps, I was going to order one that way for the lower carb value when the lady that works there told me that the wrappers were more carbs than the 9 grain whole wheat and to stick with that. She gave me a nutritional list so I could see it myself.  I have also not been drinking water. Like..nearly none. I found myself getting soda more and i am nixing that in the bud. That leads me to craving sweets more and then i eat them…and we know where that goes. Ive gotten one bottle of water down this morning already just sitting here at the office.

Friday we went and looked at a house that I had fallen in love with. It was a bit out of our price range but I still wanted to look.  I stepped inside and quickly fell out of love with it. They used a fish eye lens to photograph the house in the ad online. They cleverly hid all the issues that the house had. Such as cabinets that someone (perhaps a 12 year old) tried to stain or paint to look stained. It was drippy, streaky and bad. Oh and one of the cabinet doors was broken in half and was hanging. The countertops, cheap ones at that were mounted badly and the backsplace that should be flush with the wall was an inch away from it. The bedroom closet shelves were made of plywood and were shoddily put together. There were nails sticking out, rough edges, etc. Oh and in one closet, there was a hole cut into the wall where you can see the original wall slats and plaster (they never repaired the wall). I am guessing it was supposed to be additional storage but even the realtor wasn’t sure. The floors in one room were warped. The main full bath was…weird..with the tub/shower behind a partial wall that was covering the gas cast iron stove-pipe. The basement….*shudders* wasnt tall enough for my guy to stand in and also..they had three dehumidifyers running. Smelled moldy. They had those liquid bags of scented stuff hanging throughout the house..probably to hide the musty smell.  I could see the look on my guys face (he’s built houses) and it was not good.  He said he’d consider buying the house if it was $70K less. Its a fixer upper. Now they did install new furnace, central air system and the house has a built in generator for power outages, but still not worth the price they are asking and we now understand why it has been on the market for over a year.  So we keep looking.

Oldest is done summer school. Today is his first day home. Right now they are doing chores and then can play the rest of the day with the neighbors kids.  This weekend we had the boys bowling party with all their friends. They had a blast. The whole party (sans one family) came back to our place after and the adults sat in chairs in the backyard drinking frosty adult beverages and the kids ran around playing soccer or with light sabers or inside playing with Legos and Minecraft.  Pretty much everyone stayed around till 9 and then it started to rain so that was it.  Stayed up and finished embroidering my guys viking hood with his favorite album’s picture on it (yes a viking concert hoodie).  Sunday we took the kids to a local attraction called Howe Caverns. It was awesome and the boys loved it. Did all the touristy things in there including a pic with the friend and her daughter we went with. Had snacks. Got cave aged cheddar cheese.  Sluiced dirt and got the gems and such out of the dirt (no..it wasnt pre treasured bags of dirt. Not at all!!). We picked and cut Geodes. Had fudge and ice cream.  At the “wedding chapel” in the cave, there is a carved heart that is lit up. They of course, perform wedding ceremonies in there. There have to date 689 weddings there they said. Legend has it, if you step on the heart and are of the marrying age, you will be married before the end of the year. I walked over to it and was taking a picture when my guy walked into my viewfinder and stood on the heart.  SQUEEEE! I took a picture of it with my flip-flop clad foot on it too.

The drive home was a bit frustrating. We hit traffic due to some accident and it added an hour to our journey home.  Still, all in all, Id say it was a lovely weekend.

This weekend the plans are….nothing. Id say depending on the weather, go to the local beach or just relax at home.  Either way, I will not be in the car much at all if i can help it.

A Little Bit Torn

I am a little bit torn. I am missing my vacation because of several reasons some of which are a change in jobs, taking it easy on my guy since he wasnt well a week ago, etc.  I see the postings online from Pennsic and see my friends donned in great garb and enjoying all the fun that there is to be had there. I’ve seen postings of gorgeous storm clouds, friends in group selfies having ice cream in the food court, or pics of amazing looking dinners in camp.  I am missing my camp mates. I am missing my friends. I am so greatly missing taking pictures of all this (my first love and joy).  I am also terribly sad about the boys missing their vacation at their favorite place where they have a week to play with their friends, see their dad at his camp, etc. I have a new 18×18 marquis tent I bought from a friend and was going to get it from her storage unit and use it for the first time.   I had my short list of things I wanted to purchase at war…like veil pins, brooches for my viking garb, some nice yardage of fabric, etc.  There were a couple of classes I wanted to take but over the years, there have been less and less listed that sprout interest in me.  I miss celebrating my oldest son’s birthday at Pennsic. We always get a cake and have the friends come to camp and sing happy birthday to him. Its hard not to feel like I’ve let my children down some.  They were understanding. They were very glad my guy was fine and that we would do some fun stuff, like day trips and such.  A friend is coming over this weekend and we are going to take them to a cave with a river boat ride inside the cave and mining they can do.  His birthday is thursday so we are taking him out to the restaurant of his choice and then cake afterwards.

Anyway, it just makes me miss it so. I have been sort of avoiding facebook to not see all the pictures being posted causing me to long for it even more.  I am glad for several things.

1. That my guy had a full recovery from his TIA and is being medically treated now to prevent future occurences. Taking it easy and not doing a 7 hour drive to get to Pennsic (even if I had vacation time) is what is more important.

2. I was unemployed for a total of 24 hours. actually not even 8 hours. And I got a significant raise to boot. Not looking a gift horse in the mouth.

3. All vehicles seem to be functioning properly at this moment. After the truck acted up on the way to GNEW, it has not repeated the problem. I know it’s a matter of time, but at least it is giving our wallets a respite so we can save up agin.

4. I didn’t have to stress over PACKING ALL THE THINGS or SEWING ALL THE THINGS and getting stressed about that.  Now I have a year to make a kicking set of viking garb for myself and also trip out the new tent.

5. Plus side: no damp sheets to sleep in every night. And also no possibility of packing up wet canvas.

6. The crafting bug bit me seriously. Working on an embroidered apron dress, a protegé/apprentice belt, favors for my household and an embroidered viking hood for my guy.

Well..going back to crafting.  Cheers!

Waste of Mascara

I’m really kind of annoyed today. Yesterday, a friend (who also couldn’t go to Pennsic) came over for the first time and we spent the day crafting. Originally, before she pinged me the night before to check on our visit, which I’d forgotten about, I had plans to go to the next town and have the prong on my ring fixed. So, that didnt happen. Conversations with my guy today revealed he is scared to get married. Something he has never done before. He sensed my stress and such since his hospitalization and that it was obviously more on my mind than in the past.  I dont get it but then again, i’ve done it before.  The jeweler emailed me to say that the ring he was holding for us is the last of that size/price/value he has. Im sure he is anxious to know if he is going to buy it or not. So, deciding I dont want to wait anymore on the repair of my ring, and wanting to walk around the shops in the neighboring cute town, me, him and my oldest pile in the car and go. We get there…only to find out he is closed on Sunday and Monday.  I was pissed. I had just gotten done emailing him I was coming down but I guess he didnt see it.  So we left to go to the stores only to see the area LOADED with traffic….the fair was happening and it was the last day.  Not wanting to be caught up in all that, we turned around and drove the half hour back to home. I said nothing. I was seething. So pissed at the waste of gas and time to go down.  So trying to make it a little better for my oldest I stop to get ice cream for him. Saying fuck it, i get myself one..and promptly drip it down my blouse. Seriously..why the hell did I leave the house even?

So home I now sit with a stained shirt, took the ring off and put it in the jewelry box as I dont want to chance wearing it and have the prong catch on a pocket and pull away, releasing the stone from its setting and losing it.  Im not terribly anxious to drive a half hour back down again anytime soon either. I am also tempted to tell him to go ahead and take the rings off hold. He is antsy to sell if obviously and my guy is apparently to scared to commit, so why bother?!

Yes I am bitchy and whiney.  I deplore doing things that waste my time like driving distances without achieving what the errand was for.   Im done wishing. Done hoping.  Just done.

This day was a waste of mascara and good lipstick.

Staying Positive..trying to anyway

This month, has been…hell.  I have no idea what i did, who I pissed off in another life or even in this one but…I need this year to turn around starting tomorrow.  This month has gone as such:

-The transmission blew in my van: 3300.00 to fix that. They also found some rod had fallen out and the clips that hold it in needed replacing. That was another 124.00.
-The day this happened we were leaving for a trip to Maine for an SCA event. So, we transfer stuff to his truck and take off. Two hours into the trip, his truck acts up, so we turn around and come home, aborting our mini Maine vacation.
-A week ago, the company i worked for suddenly said I was not a good fit to work with the population of clients that use the services of my company. This was after five months of “Youre an asset to our company”. “You are doing an excellent job and are well suited for this”. So suddenly..you dont fit. What the everliving fuck. So I pack up and go home crying. What diffused this was my guy’s boss (my former boss of nearly two years ago) asked me to come back and the raise was significant. I accepted and started Friday.
-Friday, at 2pm my guy starts texting me from the delivery truck he wasnt feeling well and describing his symptoms. It scares me. He walks in the door 45 minutes later and he is experiencing left-sided weakness, the muscle tone on the left side of his face was slack and he was having trouble forming words because of it. I rushed him to the local hospital where they then transferred him to a better hospital with neurological care. Turns out he had a TIA or mini stroke. Three hours after going into it he was out of it and fine with no damage or side effects. So we spent the night in the hospital where they performed a million tests. Still don’t know why it happened. However, they did discover high blood pressure. Now he is properly medicated to treat that and the stroke.
-Did I mention he has no insurance? *headdesk*
-Because of said occurence and concern for his health and the start of a new job (thus losing vacation time), we had to cancel our vacation to Pennsic.
-I am quite depressed with seeing all the posts at Pennsic of people having wonderful times and I am working. Granted, I love the job, I did before he downsized his staff near two years ago too, but I want to see my friends.
-We were suppose to go see a house we were very interested in on Saturday, which we obviously had to cancel. I called on Monday to rebook the showing and I was told someone put an offer on it. *cries*

I am trying to see the silver lining and good side to all of it. My guy came out of this incident with no damage that we can detect. He is still with me and holds me at night every night. It has also made him now compliant with going to Drs on a yearly basis (where previously he hadn’t gone in 13 years) and he is taking the meds he needs to to help prevent a future occurance.  I am making more money and we are saving it to recoup the money we had to use for my transmission, as it came out of the house downpayment fund. When I checked the Pennsic weather the other day, it was saying it was going to be hot, humid and rainy a few days of the week. I have no A/C at my new job so I am less keen to spend my vacation this year in the sweltering heat. I am working on crafts and items for myself and family. I am working on a new belt and embroidered favors for my household. I have a tunic for my guy to embroider to complete it. Some new tunics for my boys would be good but mostly i want to make myself some new viking garb. With lots of embroidery on it.  I am also plotting how the new tent will look inside next year. Ways to set it up, trick it out to be functional and also look medieval, ie: hide all the plastic tubs n shit.

So i came home from work tonight, got chinese food for dinner and wanted to go for a walk. My guy wanted to just lay on the bed an watch tv. Nope. I was tired of being inside and the temps had cooled off so I took a book and slow started walking around my neighborhood and read. about halfway down, my neighbors called me over and invited me to have a margerita with them. I accepted as I was mildly miffed at my guy for his state of laziness and certainly not wanting to go back up to my place and sit inside. I had a drink and some really entertaining conversation.  Feeling more relaxed, I walked the rest of the way back up to my place and here I sit (yes my guy is still on our bed).

I think Ill go work on the second sock for my neighbor. Id like to get it done before the weekends over. Im sure there will be more this weekend. Ciao!