I’m feeling rather melancholy today. There are quite a few things contributing to it. I know most of them will seem trivial and are most likely something I’ve complained about in the past but there are some days where things get to me more than others. There are some days where I can’t fight the sadness that I am able to push down any other day. Its weird when you read a post on somebody’s wall and it really triggers a response inside you because it hits home.
One of the things bothering me is I bought a wedding dress online. It’s one of those ones that I’m sure is made in China so it’s not like it could be really tailored to fit me. But when I got it the skirt was all wrong they were missing applique patches on the bodice. I know I get what I pay for it wasn’t expensive maybe $150 and it’s a size that apparently the Chinese think is what I am and it’s not. And after talking with a friend of mine who is going to help me alter it there just really is too much to alter on it for my liking. I keep dreaming about a wedding that I want and probably won’t have because of the personality of my fiance. He isn’t into big shows he’s a very private person he’s on the shy side. And honestly he’s been so hesitant about everything even though he’s put a deposit on a ring that it kind of kills it for me. So I just want to return the dress and either make something very simple that resembles something from Pride and Prejudice or just get white capri pants and some cute shirt and sandals and go get married on a beach somewhere something. I don’t know why I’m obsessing over this because I already had my big wedding with my ex-husband. Maybe because I’m so much in love. I wanted to have all the bling and fun with him and since he hadn’t been married before I thought maybe he would want it too when really it comes down to its what I want. Part of me doesn’t want a huge wedding but a part of me still wants a little bit of a wedding with some close friends, a pretty white dress and him in a nice suit and we go on a nice honeymoon somewhere that I’ve always wanted to go like Italy or St Lucia or something like that. But that’s not what’s going to happen and I have to accept that realization.
The other thing that’s got me down is the whole working towards a peerage in the SCA thing. I’ve read some articles lately from friends that have posted about getting a peerage and all the work that goes into it and how everybody is raising the bar higher and higher to be accepted and admitted into the order that your working towards. They said how it seems that with the bar being raised higher people are getting frustrated that have been working towards it and giving up. I think I’m one of those people. It makes me sad because I’ve been working towards one for like 15 years and I just again have to admit that maybe there are just some people that don’t get into the order no matter how much you try and that perhaps I am one of those people. What I need to do is just go on and do the things I like to do and not worry about what will everybody else think and whether it will get me into the order and if I’m working properly towards it because honestly it’s taking some of the fun out of it.
All of this is what’s making me melancholy this morning. It makes me question whether all the things that I want in life are really things I should be concentrating on. Do I want too much? Am I not concentrating on the here and now? Maybe I should just give up some of these dreams I have because they are out of the question or unreasonable. I have to give up on having the fairy tale because, truly they dont exist and I have to get my head out of the clouds.
So today is going to consist of seeing if I can return this wedding dress and looking into the next project that I do that is going to be for fun and not worry anymore about the eyes that may or may not be watching. Ill do what I want for the reasons that I want to, nothing more. Knit socks, embroidery trim for friends, make nice garb for my family, etc.
I know these things are going to be hard to let go at first and I’ll probably still be sad about them for a while but I have to come to terms and just admit that what I want is not feasible or attainable and try to move on.