What Doesn’t Kill You, Makes You Stronger

It has been a bit of a crappy week.  After dropping over three thousand dollars on my transmission and finding out there is other work that now needs to be done, yesterday, I lost my job.  After five months of compliments on how well I was doing and a glowing three-month review, I was told yesterday that they “didn’t think I was a good fit to work with this population of people and perhaps I should consider training in another area of work”.  They called me in my 3 month review “an asset to the company” and many other really great compliments. My supervisor wouldn’t even look at me.  There was no warnings written or verbal. Just  “Youre doing fantastic” to “Youre not a good fit”.  Ummm…WTF!!!

I was proud of myself. I kept it together and didnt cry. I got back to my office to start packing things up and my coworker was walking by and he saw me and I told him. His jaw literally dropped. I lost it then. He came over and hugged me while I cried on his shoulder. He gave me his email and phone number. Said to use him as a reference. Helped me carry stuff out and said how it was a bullshit move. Said I should be glad to be out that the company is in trouble monetarily speaking. Told me to take a few days to cry it out and then to stop. Call him Monday and he would help me find something else. He gave me his cell phone number and personal email.  When I texted my other co-worker she was just as shocked.

My guy, god bless him, stayed next to me the whole evening. I sat here and just killing things on World of Warcraft in between bouts of crying. I went to bed at nine and couldn’t sleep so I popped a couple of Advil PMs to get to sleep. He stayed curled up to me until I fell asleep just holding me and not saying anything. I said things like “I am such a loser I dont know why you stay with me”.  I fell asleep at some point, dont know when.  I vaguely remember my guy kissing me good bye at 330 am when he had to leave for work (no, not his normal time..just for today and tomorrow).

I feel like a loser. Now I am second guessing myself left and right over all of this. What could I have done wrong. What could I have done differently. What the fuck did I do??!!!

Well…my guy, god bless him, told his boss (my old one) that my company did lay offs and wondered if he still wanted me back as a secretary/shipping manager. His boss said absolutely.  He has been trying to get me back into his office doing that job since a few months after he cut a bunch of his staff over a year ago.  He has told my guy how he regretted letting me go and that he wishes I was still working there.  I feel a bit over the barrel now. I have no idea what this guy is going to pay me, but I suppose any money is better than the shit unemployment is going to give me.

I will get through this. yesterday i was pretty dark and down. We were thinking of starting to look for a house. Id get a newer car after we got one. This happening makes me feel like my dreams are fluttering away. I guess I’m still pretty down about all this. I liked that job so much. I liked working at the antique store too but i feel like a hypocrite for bitching about his boss and how much of a scheister he is sometimes and now I am going to go work for him again.  Yep, that’s me. Biggest hypocrite ever.

I had just hoped that by my age Id be at a job for a few years now. At a job earning good money and working towards my retirement. Im 43 years old. I had hoped at this age Id be in my own house on a couple acres of land with a wonderful husband and the kids and a fun dog working at a job towards my retirement and have plans to travel when I do retire.

But what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger, right?  In theory, I love the comments of “God doesnt close one door without opening another” or “You were meant for something better and this is a stepping stone to get to it”…but they won’t help me in keeping income going to get out of this hell hole of a house I live in and into one of our very own.

Any good vibes, luck or prayers would be greatly appreciated.

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What’s Going On

Well, got on the scale for the first time in weeks. I am down ten pounds now since I started the Metformin about mid June.  I have found that I can tolerate whole wheat bread about once a day and when I eat the veggies with the protein I do not get the horrible GI issues that go with the meds.  I saw a picture I took of myself in mid April and one that was taken of me this past Sunday while at a roller skating party and I can definitely see the difference. It looks like most of the weight has come off of my torso. I am pleased. This weight loss has come only from the cutting of sugar and carbs. I am sure that doing more exercise that there will be an increase in weight loss.  Oh..and I know this is probably obvious to most but I noticed if I drank diet cola I would crave sugar more and then…hello GI issues.  So as much as I love the flavor of diet cola, I have recut it out of my diet.  Without it, I am not craving the sugar nearly at all.

I have found a good sweet treat that a friend clued me into.  Fudgesicles that are no sugar added and only forty calories per stick. PERFECT! They satisfy my occasional craving and are hardly any carbs at all.  I also found an alternative to the Natures Own double fiber bread that is not sold in my area. Hannafords has their own version of it.

Getting ready for Pennsic. Last night I finished my last “for others” project that was on my list. Now, I can do things for myself. As of right now, I have a potential for others project but since Ive gotten no other information on it, I will not count it on that list until then.  For now, I am knitting socks and thoroughly enjoying it. I am pulling skeins out of my stash and when I see how they knit up, that determines if I keep for myself or give away to a friend that has requested a pair. Im working on a purple set for my neighbor who is a particularly good friend of mine.

I have a long list of projects for myself and my family.  The first one on my list is a new apprentice/protegé belt for myself. I cut out yellow and green linen and i am going to stitch them together and then decorate them with some type of embroidery, which I have not determined as of yet. Putting both my peers arms on the belt would be too tiny of embroidery so that is out. Maybe an aspect of their arms on each color half.

Its overcast and threatening to rain. I didnt sleep well and really just want to crawl back into bed and watch the rest of Season 2 of Vikings on Amazon Prime on the Xbox.  Instead, here I sit at work trying to find jobs for about 15 people who just want part time so as not to disrupt their govt assistance benefits they get. *sigh* Most days, I love my job. Today, its just a lesson in futility and frustration.

One and a half weeks to vacation! Keep they eye on the prize and push on!

My 2 Cents

So, the rental company gave me a Hyundai Accent in baby blue.  In the couple of times I’ve driven it since getting it last night, I keep parking it and looking for either the space where I have to insert the key to wind it up or find the outlet to where I have to plug it in to make sure the batteries stay charged.  Oh, and if you step on the gas pedal, shouldn’t the car, ya know……go? There are several hills on my commute to work and when I hit them I felt like I had to open the door and help it along with one foot giving it extra umpf like a skateboard!

Now, I understand that I have been driving a Ford mini van for about 14 years and am use to the size, power and cargo capacity.  But, come on! The engine sounds like a 2 stroke engine on a mopehead or even a weed whacker! You know exactly what I mean. (I know you just heard the whiney sound in your head and your nodding it up and down in agreement.)

I miss my van. I went and paid the funds to obtain the new(er) transmission for the van from the local Ford dealer and my mechanic will install it for about a grand less than the dealer.  But as it is, I most likely will have this van till at least Monday or tuesday.  Which I am not happy about. At 40 bucks a day that is going to be a pretty penny on top of the cost to repair the transmission. Its just utterly depressing.  I did not need this now. Not three weeks before my vacation and one week before my children’s birthday party.  Im taking the money out of my savings to put a deposit on a new house. I feel like that dream is fluttering away.

Here Comes the Sun…

It’s early. I woke at like 3:30 for some reason and am not sleepy.  So did my guy but he fell back to sleep about a half hour ago. The coffee is steeping in the press. I’ve put more new fabric in the washer and transferred the other yardage into the dryer in preps for the great Pennsic sewing fest that will most likely happen the weekend before we go. LOL! Yea, I am so always last-minute.  I stood outside for a bit and listened to the sounds of morning birds. The sun hasn’t risen yet but its that predawn blush light in the sky.  Pretty. Peaceful. I kind of really like being an early riser sometimes.  These are one of those moments. When the rest of the neighborhood hasn’t woken up yet and there is still just nature out there without the interruption of modern day life.  When the coffee is done steeping Im going to sit outside and drink it listening.

Had to rent a car last night which was a lesson in stress. The hotel hadnt removed the hold on my credit card and therefore it was declined at the rental agency and I had to use a debit card, which if you know that when you use a debit card, they extract the money from your account and hold it in theirs until you return the car and just pay for the amount of days rental you used it for. Oh..and it takes up to ten days to get it back into the account. Ten seconds to take, ten days to return. Fuckers.

Had a bbq last night with friends and their kids. Adult/kid play date. When dinner was done, we sent them outside to play and enjoyed adult conversation and blissful silence of no kids inside.  It was grand.

So I found a grand deal on a titanium wedding band and ordered it for my guy. No, he hasn’t asked but he has looked at the rings and is talking to the guy. It came in the mail yesterday and I got him to try it on and it fits fine and he really likes it.  Its sitting in a velvet bag till the time comes and I don’t have to worry about scrambling to find one and spending probably triple what I paid for it online, from a jeweler.

It’s really stressing me out that I am going to have to tap my house down payment savings to pay for my car repairs. I feel like its setting us back and that its pushing the goal farther away. Sometimes life really sucks.  Why couldnt this have waited about six more months?  I’ll tell you why, cause Murphy is a dick.

Well, Im sure there will be more later. Coffee is ready and I want some, and the birdsong is calling me.

Still Hate Murphy

Friday’s car catastrophies put me in a lovely pissy funk the whole weekend.  I don’t even think I spoke till Saturday around 1pm when I felt guilty cause I found my guy sitting in the sun on the back porch with a cup of coffee and his head in his hand.  When i stood in front of him, he looked up and his eyes were moist and he had such a despondent look on his face.  When I questioned him, he said he felt like it was all his fault because the truck has been running fine since we decided to turn around and come home from our attempted Maine trip the previous day. That snapped me out of it some.  We ended up taking our youngest, whose birthday was the previous day to the restaurant of his choice for dinner and we went out earlier in the day and picked up his favorite cake “Death by Chocolate” from the local organic shop and then invited the neighbors over for cake and ice cream. Sunday we went out and got him a new game for the Wii. We had to break it to him that his favorite toys (currently) have been discontinued and are no longer available for sale anywhere except amazon.com.  He is really into beyblades battle tops. I have some marked on amazon to order but Target, Walmart and Toys R Us are all no longer carrying them. The head of the toy department at Walmart told me that they were discontinued. My youngest was crushed, almost to tears. But it isn’t like he doesn’t have about fifty of them already and when talking to my bestie in passing, she told me her child no longer plays with theirs so she’ll give them to my son.

I played a lot of Warcraft over the weekend, ever rep grinding to be able to hit what I need to fly.  By Sunday though I was kind of bored so I took to working on crafts.  I cut out a bunch of favor sized pieces of fabric to embroider the household’s arms onto for my “family”.  I also cut out linen to make myself a “apprentege” belt to wear with viking and roman garb. Its going to be half yellow, half green and Ill figure out some appropriate embroidery to put on it. Also embroidering book covers for Pennsic royalty gift baskets that I promised to make.   I have been asked several times to make queen’s champion favors for the current seated royalty but honestly i just don’t have it in me. I have other projects I want to do and I had sworn that I would finish these last couple things on my list that I promised to others and then I was going to concentrate on myself. As it is, I was approached at the last event I went to and asked if I would do embroidery for the up coming Royalty for their coronation garb. I said yes, because they are good friends of mine and well, a little embroidery can be done fairly quickly. I’m not making an entire piece of garb though she (the Princess) did say to me she wanted a piece of garb made by me and that she was envious that her hubby had one. So I suppose at some point I’ll be making something for her. Not before Pennsic though.

Looking into renting a car today. Unsure for how long I’ll have it but, we really can go without two cars. I was at work today half an hour early because of the timing of when he needed to be at his job and the distance he had to travel.  And of course he texts me that my old boss is asking if I still like my job. He’s been trying to hire me back for ages now.  Perhaps he shouldnt have laid us off to begin with. I loved that job. Loved the antique furniture I sold and I was good at it. Loved handling all the online social media promoting and such. Worked with my guy so we ate lunch together every day. Rode into work together. But I will not put both incomes with one boss again especially one who is seemingly bi-polar and short-tempered and quick to make a decision which tend to be very bad ones (Like firing three of your well trained work well together staff to compensate for FedEx losing and damaging 14K of your shipments in one fell swoop, yea theres a smart decision I know he regrets now).

So the work day appears to be a slow one. With no car, I can’t even go out and job hunt for clients.  This sucks.

Seriously, I need to come into money or win the lottery somehow so I can avoid all these problems. Anyone got any lucky numbers?

Murphy Can Die in a fire

I was suppose to take my guy to Maine this weekend with my boys for an SCA event. My guy has never been to Maine..one of the few states in this nation he hasnt been to.  But, Murphy, that fucking dick, had to step in and throw a grand fucking big monkey wrench into the plans.

I left work early so I could run errands and get home early to finish packing and leave for Auburn ME.  And then, the car wouldnt shift into reverse. Oh no.

Oh yes. During the busiest travel month of my year, the transmission decides to go on my van. So I text my guy and say we need to take his truck this weekend. So I manage to coax the van into reverse and get home.  We load up his truck and head off!

Apparently, Murphy didn’t have enough fun with me this afternoon, he decided to have more.  2 hours into our trip, the truck starts misfiring.  This problem happened in November.  My guy, fearing what the truck would do, said that we should probably head back home as he didn’t want to get stranded 5+ hours from home. Turning the truck off and on again caused the problem to stop and of course, it ran perfectly the two hours home.  I made him drive and sat in silence the entire way.  This is the 5th year in a row I have tried to go to this event. Every year, something has happened that has prevented me from going.  It is also my youngest son’s birthday today and we were going to take him out to a nice dinner in maine tomorrow night with a big fanfaire of dessert singing from resturant employees.

Im sure my guy thinks Im pissed at him but right now but in reality I am pissed at the world. I give everything in me to everyone around me. Every cent I have, every ounce of time. Every spec of talent I have to share. Every material item I have. I spend almost no time on myself in either creation of garb or embellishments or anything.  I wanted this event for me. I wanted to be selfish and go for me. I am fucking entitled to have a moment of selfishness and want something for me so therefore I am entitled to be upset like this and feel massively disappointed and be in a pissy mood for a few hours.  Yes I am the mother and an adult but I am fucking allowed to feel this way.  If it wasn’t so dark out Id go for a good long walk to be away from everyone.

My guy hasnt said a word to me since he took over driving and took us home. I just looked over and all the lights in the bedroom are off so he is either angry with me or whatever. Right now, don’t care. I am not mad at him, I am mad at not getting to my event and having time with friends I almost never see.  Yes I am throwing a silent tantrum. Fucking deal with it.

Of course, every yell my children now do is just grating on my nerves.  I hate you Murphy. I hope you die in a fire.