Worst.  Birthday.  Ever.

(if you’ve seen “Sixteen Candles”, it’s on par with that)

On top of that, I can feel I’m getting my guy’s cold.

Fucking awesome.



I am sooo addicted to Pinterest.  I have I think something like 56 boards ranging from things medieval to sewing to embroidery to ballet to gadgets.  What blew my mind recently when I looked is that I have something like 2000 followers!  HOLY SHIT! I don’t even know 2000 people!  What makes me so special that people want to follow me? I find this just highly amusing! And a good bit flattering.

One of the reasons I love this page is that if there is anything…and I mean anything I want to learn about or find information on, I just go here. There is at least one pin on what im looking for.  I have found vast amounts of information on sewing techniques both medieval and mundane.  Lots of history and extent pieces images of embroidered historical books, which is what I am currently researching.  I find tasty recipes that I have tried and liked all but one. I’ve found a billion and one knitting patterns that I want to make…which would probably take me five lifetimes to do. I’d have to make it my full time job to probably accomplish half of them.  I have found links on autism and ways to relate to issues I have to deal with in my own life. Its just amazing and I hope the person that created the page is very rich.


It has also made me realize that I need to learn to cook better so i can aspire to the skills that those i pin about display.  I need to win the lottery so I can pursue my hobbies in a full time manner.

20 minutes to go in my day with not a whole lot to do…..so I am pinning.  It makes me happy..and on this day I need this.

Still no flower deliveries. So to compensate, Ill go pin some gorgeous ones that I will plant at my someday home I  will own in the not so distant future.

It is my dream.

Another year gone by

Yep, It’s my birthday.  Another year on the turn of the wheel.  My guy woke me up at 330 am saying his allergies are in fact a cold (probably caught from my youngest).  The horrid weather is making me sore and grumpy, plus there is the PMS which is making me mildly weepy.  My guy wanted to go out to dinner for the evening but the restaurant I want to go to is closed on Monday and Tuesday. Figures.  I suggested at lunch that we just stay home tonight since he isn’t feeling well.  Its just another day honestly. What difference does it make. I had to work with one of my clients this morning but the rest of the day there is nothing scheduled for me to do.   I typed up a couple of case notes for some clients but honestly Im just looking busy till its time to go.  One of the hazards of having still a low case load right now.  I’m biding my time till Thursday when i have half a day at work then Im off till Tuesday.

My guy made me a nice breakfast and when i said he was the best boyfriend in the world he joked with me:
“HA! Let’s see if youre saying that in two years. Uh-oh..now I’ve planted the seed of doubt. Will he still be just my boyfriend in two years??”
I looked at him and replied
“As long as youre still here loving me I don’t care.”

He didnt seem to know how to respond to that.

I had hope for someone sending me extra love and maybe have flowers delivered but with only two hours left in my work day, I am doubting that will happen.  I am merely one of those that looks on enviously when someone does get them at work.

I am taking an embroidery break for a few days and am working on a pair of knit socks for my mother in law (for lack of a better word). She sent me money for wool to make her a new pair of hiking socks. Im casting on the second sock and I should be done with it by tomorrow evening.

I had my favorite breakfast for lunch at the diner: eggs Benedict.
I’d eat my own head in Hollandaise sauce. Truly.  There is a delicious lobster benedict they serve at a diner in Rhode Island. I could go for that right now. With a side of asparagus.

Yep…Im ready to go home now. I’m also seriously ready for a nap. **YAWNS**


I love my job. I love my boss. I love my co-workers. Most days I love coming to work. Today is the exception. It started out a good day, then promptly crashed at 11 when I had a joint appointment with one of my clients.

First, I am a job coach for a company that helps individuals with a mental health diagnosis (ie: depression, anxiety, bipolar, etc) that want to reenter the workforce. I help with all aspects of it from developing resumes to coaching on interviews to on site job coaching if they need it.  Most of my clients are completely capable of doing all their jobs solo and I have found them gainful employment.   My one client today has been proven to be difficult. As my boss made the point..its like someone is holding up a football goal and you go to kick the ball and they move it and say “no-no, now its over here”. I have sent this client several job openings for their  approval to send their information in on. I have sent their resume off to at least two or three places.  Every time I send them a suggestion, they’d shoot it down saying it’s not what they want. Too physical…too sedentary….too boring….oh my gawd my allergies!!!! In today’s meeting (while we were waiting for their other job coach from a different organization to arrive …which she never did) the client started talking about how they were going to lose their housing if they didn’t get a job. They were increasingly getting agitated.  My boss went out of the room twice to call the other rep to check on her arrival. They started commenting on how I was not sending them any jobs. I stated I had sent them several. Sent of several applications. Pointed out that they kept changing their mind on areas they wanted to work in. Then stated they wanted a two-week break.  Started blaming me for not finding them work. That is when I questioned them as to what did they think the program was about? That we would just find them a job that they could step into? Their reply was yes. I said no..this is a two-way street and it requires effort put in on their part as well to get the gainful employment.  The client’s eyes bug out and they say “Well what the fuck am I in this program for anyway? THIS IS BULL-SHIT!” and slams their fist onto the table.  My boss came back into the room and after some more choice behaviors in response to her questioning, she deemed the meeting over and said we would reschedule for when their other rep was available.   The client stormed out of the office and on my way back to my office my boss said that she thought she would have to call security to have them escorted out. All i wanted to do was give them a slap for how they was speaking to us..people trying to help them that they asked for help from!  Now Im jittery coming down off of the adrenaline rush from dealing with them.  Thankfully, my boss said she was going to end their involvement with this program over the hostility they are showing. She said by no means can they be allowed to treat her staff that way and that the client was through with this program.  But at the same time, she said she’d try to reschedule the appointment with the other rep and the client next week..on the day I have off so I won’t have to deal with him.  I have not cared for this client from the beginning. I am glad that she made the decision to take them away from me.

I so cannot wait for my mini vacation next week. And the fact that I don’t have to deal with that client any longer.

Am I Really There Inside?

It was an emotional morning drive into work. A friend chose to have the gastric sleeve surgery and she went in today to have it done.  Yes I was worried about her coming through it safely but I started with thinking about how pretty much everyone around me is having this done.  My Mother, my Sister, her husband, two of my co workers, several friends in my historical group.  I feel like I am going to be an outcast..the only fat person left.  I get it. I get why they are doing it. The fast path to thin is very appealing.  It has crossed my mind several times but I can’t live with the extreme lifestyle changes that would have to be made.  No ansaids alone is a big deal breaker because of the back injury.   Yea I’ve already spoken my reasons for it…but its making me feel bad for not being willing to jump on the surgical band wagon and hack out half my stomach and never be able to eat and drink at the same time again for…ever.  When I told my guy about it over lunch, he reiterated how beautiful I am and how much he loves me just how I am. That I will find the right combination that will work for me to drop this weight.  He said, I have to find happiness within myself and love myself for who i am and how I am right now. I know he is right.  I find this incredibly hard.  It’s hard to look in the mirror and see how large I’ve gotten over the years and not hate myself. Its hard seeing family and friends shrink away because I am being “stubborn and not willing to give stuff up” and have the surgery and be like them.  Why can’t i be happy? And the other question I have is even if I lose all the weight I want, how do I know I will be happy with myself even when I am thinner?  Do I truly know that is what is the key to loving myself and  not wanting to break down and cry five times a week? Is it really my weight that makes me hate myself this much or is there something else hiding behind that reason?

I know I want to be pretty and healthy and be able to buy clothes off the rack in any store without it looking like it was cut from a tent.

I want to be happy. I want to love myself.  Why can’t I just be accepting of who and what I am and be content?

Food Question

I have a question for the masses i would like some input on.

I am trying to eat a little healthier in order to lose weight. I am doing everything in moderation.  Today I went out to eat lunch with my guy and I ordered chicken quesedilla from the diner we went to. I only ate half of it. I did have a couple of steak fries..like four. I drink water.  (FYI I gave up all soda and anything with artificial sweeteners a year ago.)

When I got back to the office one of the staff was having a birthday so they had a table full of sweets. I took one girl scout tag along cookie and a tootsie pop.  I now feel so bloated and full like I’d eaten a pound of cookies and ten pops. On top of that, I am falling asleep at my desk! What is this?? Is this an allergy to sugar of some type? I hate this feeling. Even though it is 85 degrees outside I went for a walk with the girls at work to try to wake up. My breath felt shallow because I felt so bloated.

Please let me know what you think.

The Weekend

So this may be a long post. Consider yourself forewarned.

Overall, it was a nice weekend. Friday night after soccer practice, we stayed at home and relaxed. I believe I even fell asleep on the earlish side because of not sleeping well previous nights this week.

Saturday, we went to my Pelican’s house to help on a group project of painting a wall hanging to donate to the kingdom.  I brought the boys with me. I was waffling on this to begin with because this couple has not had children. Over the years I have found that couples that do not have children by choice tend to be way less tolerant of people with children or of the children themselves.  But, on top of this, my peer’s spouse is medically delicate to say the least.  Medication causes them to easily bruise, so their hands are completely purple. I forewarned my children about it and asked them not to ask her a lot of questions. They both agreed and stated they understood.  I outfitted them with their fully charged tablets and brought a couple of movies so they could watch them on the big screen tv that they have.   The adults (sans the spouse) all sat in the kitchen and started painting away on the large wall hanging. After a while, the spouse wandered into the kitchen to see what we were up to. It was not too long after this we braked for lunch.  We were all sitting around the kitchen table eating when my oldest son (who is autistic) asked her about the color of her hair.  She snapped back at him “I told you I didn’t want to talk about it!”.  It was then for the first time in my life, I was embarrassed by my son.

Yes, embarrassed, and I should not feel that way. Ever.

I know..kids will do stupid shit and embarrass their parents but this is a different level.   I had spoken to them about not questioning people about physical differences or disabilities but my oldest just doesn’t seem to remember and asks anyway. It isn’t to be malicious, it’s just curiosity.  I told him it wasnt an appropriate question to ask and he let it drop. He knew the look in my eye and the tone of my voice that i was not happy.  But it was more than him asking an out of line question, it was her reaction. I understand if you don’t want to talk about it but snapping like that at a kid with obvious socialization disabilities is not right.  I was on edge to begin with going there to help because of having my kids there and the spouse being so delicate.  Now I wish I had found a sitter or just stated I couldn’t make it.  I apologized to her about his line of questioning and told her of his disability and she stated she knew.   It wasnt the only thing that happened that day.  There was other issues that cropped up between my peer and myself that I think they are oblivious to the fact that it bothered me.  Its a lot to write about to tell the whole back story but he essentially rubbed something in my face this weekend stating something i had really wanted badly, he was going to give it to one of my protoge sister’s. “I know this will tickle you and make you jealous at the same time…” and then tells me what is going to happen and what he is doing for her.  I was pissed. I smiled one of those closed mouth straight line type smiles and nodded my head and said nothing and went back to painting.  It was also then I realized that the sister is the new favorite. It was a few minutes later that I stated we would be leaving at 530 and heading home. I spouted off to my guy on th way home who also stated he thought it was shitty what he said and showed you. Now, my guy has not been in this group for very long and honestly he is really only in it to spend time with me. So i vented to a close friend about it who gave some sound advice of keep some distance and do what I want anyway.  Apprenticed and protoge’d in name only.  It hurts a bit, I’ll admit to have been asked by these two people to be their students and then feel forgotten about or pushed aside.

Is what it is I suppose.

Sunday was Mother’s day of course. My guy gave me a beautiful vase arrangement, a bag of chocolate truffles and a lovely card. Then smacked himself in the head for forgetting to get a card for the boys to sign and give me.  I spent the day embroidering and watching movies.  It was nice. I thought some over the day about the previous days happenings but i tried to push it away and forget about it.

I didnt sleep well last night. Or the night before that. I am a bit tired today and could truly fall asleep on my desk.

Well, turned out to not be that long after all.