What is wrong with me…

Today I woke up very grumpy. I slept well, I have no idea why I am feeling this way. I am snapping at everyone. Im starting to wonder if its medically related.  I am typing this post more for me than anything. Hell any of my posts are just for me. So many things are upsetting me of late. I have a lot of good in my life but why am I only seeing the bad?

To start, I hate my job. Well I should say I hate my boss. I work for a man that gives no appreciation to his employees. He treats them badly.  If something goes wrong within the business, its the employees fault, never his, even when it blatantly is.  He gives no time off. He constantly says things like business is slow so he is going to close the office.  He says this when his only two employees are me and my fiance and we just bought a house a month ago. We constantly feel like we are walking on egg shells. We are getting married in two weeks and we are afraid to ask for time off for a honeymoon.  Hell we are afraid to ask for any time off with this guy. He spends money like he earns a million a month and bitches why he doesnt have money. He robs peter to pay paul in his bills. More than once our checks were bounced because he didnt have the funds in there and he had to quickly transfer money to cover our salaries. I dislike being insulted when he doesnt like how something is done. If i hear him say “youre lousey with details” one more time im going to shove his details up where the sun doesnt shine. Im here from 745 am till 5pm. I am suppose to get an hour lunch but since Im most of the time the only one in the office, I dont get to actually leave the office and take an hour away from it. I have to deal with companies in China that make our products and on more than one occasion they have messed up. So he takes it out on me, again swearing and saying how he should shut down the business. I realize when I get home from work that I spend about five waking hours in my new house every day. 9 hours in this smelly office with a money hungry, chauvanistic ex con boss of mine. Seriously, I want to find a new job. I miss my days of being a stay at home mom. I wish I could find a job that I enjoy doing or something I could work from home doing. I love crafting and wish I could find some way to earn a living doing that.

My grumpiness bled into snapping at my kids this morning. My youngest has a strong personality resemblence to my ex husband, who is on the spectrum himself. My ex had a tendancy to focus his life and converastions on what held his interest in his life. If someone tried to change the subject and talk about something else, he’d find a way to drag it back to his favorite topics or himself.  I find my youngest doing this. His favorite topic is gaming. He wants to talk about the game all the time. My fiance and I constantly try to get him to talk about other things. Soccer, school, boy scouts, anything. This morning on the way to the bus stop, in my grumpy state, I snapped at him and started yelling and pointing out how his father did this and it cost him friendships because no one wanted to sit around and talk all the time about his favorite topics. I told my youngest I didnt want him to fall into the same situation. It upset him, and i should have kept myself reigned in since he was about to start his day at school and I probably set a negative tone for him.  I truly and greatly regret that right now.

My oldest had a couple of minor medical issues we are having checked out and one is a mystery. Every test has been run but the dr cant figure out why his elbow has swelled like it was injured, yet he has no pain. It brought me more than a little stress in the last day or so, to the point of tears.

I myself have not been 100%.  Ive had this cold that is running around the house and when I though I had an ear infection, turned out i had an impacted ear which didnt allow it to drain. This caused lymph nodes on my left side of my head to swell, painfully. It also caused blemishes, large ones, to errupt on the left side of my face and scalp. I looke like a throw back of the elephant man (at least I think so in my grumpy state). They flushed out my ear and removed the impaction and said in a couple days I should feel better.  On top of this, my cycle came three days early and 8 days later, is still going. I am really hating this. The birth control Im on was suppose to stop the horrendous cycles I had but this other medication im on has brought them back.  Im starting to wonder if I am going through menapause already or if Im massively depressed and need another drug.

We are getting married in two weeks and my fiance wanted it small. There is a part of me that wanted another semi big wedding. Like..50 people. But I had the large wedding before adn didnt want to pay the money for one. So we are having a small one in two weeks in our yard and then going to dinner after. There are three couples that will be there with their kids. A total, with us of 17 people. He has grumped about getting a suit and having to wear it to dinner after. I did get a wedding gown, an inexpensive one and was so fortunate that I didnt need to have it altered. The whole wedding with dinner might cost us 2000.00. I wanted to get the tiniest of wedding cakes (a topper) to have at dinner and he questioned why? When I mentioned how I would decorate the yard he questioned that and started saying how he had wanted very simple and would have been content to get married in his work clothes at the town hall. This has seriously put a damper on all this for me. It makes me not as excited about it. I love this man so much and wanted to be special and pretty to have wonderful memories of for years to come. He’s grumping about pictures being taken..about a tiny video being made for the sake of the family (since they arent coming).  Dont get me started on that arguments with my mother about that either. There were screaming matches over the phone two days ago about shit she says that is so mean. She was not the most pleasant person when I was married the first time 20 years ago either. She hasnt improved with age. His parents are not happy about not being here for it either but at least they are respectful about it.

I want to go on a real honeymoon. Like travel someplace either warm or exotic. Either someplace to lay on a beach and be waited on or a cruise or maybe a trip to italy. I have wanted to go to italy for years now and had to cancel the trip once (due to moving to get away from my mother).  But we just bought a lovely house and I dont want to blow our savings away. So we are taking a mini stay-cation. Its not what I want. I feel like I give up a lot of what I want to make everyone else happy and honestly Im sick to death of it.

And to add to the bitch fest, Im growing seriously disenchanted with the sca.  The politics behind everything take the joy out of it. I have to say i dont even enjoy taking pictures anymore. The last event I was at there had to have been 15 other people taking pictures. I couldnt get into a good spot to get good shots. It was also when I started to feel poorly from the cold going around the house so I said fuck it and went and sat in my chair and took a short nap.  I must be getting old because I want to just stay home and relax in the new house and do crafty things. Party of me wants to go to events but the ones I like are a good hour + drive away and I just dont want to do that drive anymore. I had a friend at the last event ask why I didnt compete in competitions anymore with my arts and I told them about how years ago I was burned bad but a judge that gave really bad comments that were downright vile. It made me not want to compete again. Ive decided that I like doing what I do and if it means I wont get the peerage I want then oh well. I dont want to keep fighting for it, to be good enough in their eyes to get it. Its draining. Ill do what I like to do and thats it. Ill keep it as accurate as possible and ill document but I dont want to go out there and enter competitions and be like “look at me! look at what i do! dont I do good stuff?”. It dont like what that makes me feel like.  Man I am getting old. Crotchety too aparently. ROFL!

I did say I was grumpy, didnt i?  Like I said I dont know why i am this way. I have friends. I have a new great house. I have a loving man. I have great kids who are good and in good health. I have a job. I have my health.  So why is it I can only see the bad stuff right now? It made me cry some on the way to work. I need to do something to turn this around. I am open to suggestions.

 

 

Just Another Day..

So, we are trying another bank for the house. Im not holding my breath though. It crosses my mind to check my email every so often to see if there is a reply from the bank but otherwise Im over here all over pinterest looking at recipes and embroidery patterns and stuff.

Work is going ok. Its slow which makes the boss twitchy which makes me twitchy but its the nature of the business.

Currently working on embroidered trim, knitting a pair of thigh high socks for a friend as part of a barter and also blackwork cuffs and collar for a friend. Bouncing between one and another when Im tired with one. The trim has more of a deadline than anything so I am hoping to get that done before the end of the month.  We have an impending snowstorm this weekend (they still don’t know how much will drop here) and I plan on working on these projects and sitting by the fire, with the occasional bout of warcraft with my son.

Saw a post on pinterest of this warcraft water bottle. Ordered two..one for me and one for my 11 year old son that plays as well. He just fussed so much over it when he saw it that i had to. World of Warcraft “Mana” Bottle  Yea its a little expensive for a water bottle but hey…maybe it will get me to drink water more often. LOL! And his smile will be worth it.

Decided to take a little stress off my life and am having the local grocery store deliver to me on friday afternoon. It cost ten extra bucks. What the hell…worth it to not wade through the snowmagedon panic masses that will be flocking to get their french toast supplies.

Last night I had an awesome night of sleep. I fell asleep at 7:50 and slept straight through till 530 this morning. I feel great! I recall the kids coming in and kissing me goodnight and my cell phone ringing and it was my guys parents calling to thank me for the scarves i made them for christmas.  I have a raincheck to call them back this evening and chat with mom.

Well..just under two hours to go till end of work day. Boss is in good mood at least today. We are always thankful for that.

Ciao!

 

The American Dream…down the toilet

Two banks have shot us down for a mortgage on the house we want. It is soul crushing. It makes us feel like second class citizens. We make nearly 100K combined salary, have good credit historys but because I havent been at my job a full year (though employed without breaks for nearly two years) they wont give a loan.

I have a disabled child that has autism. The house is on a dead end street, on half an acre of land….perfect for him. It would mean no change to his schooling (nor his brothers).  I feel like I should never have shown them the house. They were so upset. I cant even begin to convey his reaction when we had to tell him. 

I feel like maybe I jinxed it.

Maybe I made to many plans too soon like picking paint samples.

Maybe I shouldnt have painted a Christmas ornament that had our names on it and the saying “Our House is a very, very, very fine house”.

Maybe I shouldnt have planned on getting a family dog figuring we’d be there.

Maybe I shouldnt have planned to get married on the property under the blooming japanese maple in the Spring.

Maybe I shouldnt have done the sketching and dreaming I did.

Maybe my daft mother shouldnt have bought new bedroom furniture for the boys like she did (even after I told her not to and to cancel the order, which she did not and now we have to find storage for them because they cant be returned).

I feel beaten down. Broken. I dread the thought of staying in this house we rent now with broken faucets and 20+ year old ripped carpeting and leaking showers that are making the floors soft and back steps that are broken and dealing with a slumlord that says he’ll fix everything but then never follows through.  You call the local housing authority and they say all they can’t do anything about is the steps to the bulding and “We have seen worse than yours”.   One family member made the comment that if we made less money we would probably have had a home approval in minutes.  He’s probably right.

What gets me about this…is disappointing my boys. They were so excited about moving into a house where theyd have their own rooms for the first time in their lives…where they could get a family pet and have a yard to play in and possibly a pool one day. I cannot convey the upset of my oldest that has the autism. He was inconsolably sobbing…and it just broke my heart.

Hard to just go about my day today when All I want to do is lay in bed and sleep and mourn.  We try to do the right thing for our family, give them the best life we could in the best possible situation to give them the opportunity to grow up in a happy environment and make their lives full. Now, thanks to the real estate bubble burst some years back, the people that legitimately have the funds and stability to hold a home loan they scrutinize and nitpick and if there is the tiniest of flaws in their eyes, they say no.

Yes I know Im probably over reacting but I feel like I’ve been beat up emotionally over all this. My guy feels the same way, only he doesnt cry. Its ok, I feel like I am doing enough for both of us.

 

Eff you Bank, Eff you!

So, the bank informed us this afternoon that because we had a break in our employment nearly two years ago, the PMI insurance companies would not give us a loan. So they turned us down for a First Time Buyer loan and a conventional loan. I called the realtor and told her and I called the realty lawyer and told him. My boss was floored they didnt give it to us and my guy had a feeling for all the bouncing they did. I didnt cry, surprisingly. I was hurt and seriously pissed, but I didnt cry because I had a feeling they would do that.

Ten minutes later my realtor called back and one of her realtor co workers who was in the car was on the phone stating she wanted us to call a local bank and talk to them. They’d already talked to the lender there about our situation. I called and left a message and about five minutes later she called back and talked to me about everything. Told me to send her my app from the other bank, tax returns, etc. So i did.

Im not holding my breath or even have a glimmer of hope. Its free and Ive already heard “NO” so I am expecting nothing.

I have a home that is dry. I have the ones I love with me. i have a job. I am not wanting for anything. I may not like where I am right now and we may be cramped and have no storage space (or privacy) but we have something…others dont.

My friend said truly said it perfectly though….it is soul crushing.

New Year Update

It has been sometime since I’ve blogged here. I am going to make an effort to blog several times a week if not everyday .  I like to journal. Im a sharey type of gal.  So to start out the new year post, I posted a picture of how beautiful nature can be: frost on the window of my guys truck.

We are still trying to buy the house. Couldnt get a first time buyers loan because of my credit history a couple years ago. Even though Ive got great credit now and nothing on my report. So they are doing a conventional loan. Waiting to hear back from that. At this point, we are at the “dont-give-a-fuck-anymore” stage of all this.  Buying a home and the whole process is soul crushing.

So the lottery is at an amazing  high. I may go spend a few bucks and buy a couple tickets. Cant hurt. If for some reason if I win, I can go buy a chunk of land and build our dream home and his dream workshop. But what are the chances…something like 1 in a million at least. Right? Better chance at getting attacked and killed by a shark.  Ahh well, Ill spend four bucks and hope for the best.

I made a resolution in 2016 I am going to focus on me. Projects, health, happiness. I will complete the few projects I have promised people and those straggling christmas presents I didnt get done and the rest will be for me and my family.  Its high time I focus on myself…as many have told me. I dont make resolutions normally..like “oh Ill lose 50 pounds before summer” because I know I suck at meeting deadlines like that. So, I have resolved to make me the focus. No set terms or goals..just..do what I want..try to be healthier and learn to love myself.

I have a list of things I want to do craft wise over the coming year, within the sca. A bucket list of sorts:

1. Sign up for an overnight security shift at Pennsic (I’ve mentioned this one before)
2. Learn to make lamp-work beads for my viking. (i have the set up thanks to the menfolk’s Christmas gift)
3. Tablet weaving
4. Learn how to make mead with the 10 pounds of raw honey I have
5. Become competent in the last categories I am not ranked in within Athena’s Thimble (Lacis, Needlelace, Openwork & Smocking).
6. Give fencing a try (heavy list i think is too much for my back) and also Archery (I need better arrows, have bow and quiver already)
7. Do more heralding (apparently, I know how to project…who knew!!!)
8. Make more garb for myself that is embroidered (I currently only own 1 thing with my embroidery)
9. More socks..of course. (They’re like potato chips, ya know?!)
10. Make more embroidered hand made books. Especially one for myself. That will happen first.
11. Take at least one picture every day and try to always learn a little more about my camera and a better way to take a photo.

This list will be ongoing of course. Right now Im on the “finish up the straggler christmas presents”. Thankfully the ones for friends I can pass out at 12th night next weekend. SCA Christmas. LOL! Im covered!

Well, back to work. Faithful readers (if there are any, hahaha) I will promise to post more frequently. Maybe even a couple times a day.

Cheers!

 

 

 

Learning to Love Myself

I am not a small woman, I am well aware of it and weight loss is difficult for me with the medical issues and past injuries I have.  It weights heavy on my mind and I am guilty of self hate/loathing over my body insecurities so I understand completely where this woman is coming from in this article. It is a good article to me and though I have not yet achieved self acceptance or self love (let alone like, right now) I am working on it. I still avoid looking in full length mirrors and avoid having photos taken of me. So, I have asked the same questions of my fiance that she has asked of her husband.  He is loving and caring and says I am beautiful.  Its slow going and some days are better than others, but I am working on it.
I cried when I read this article but I am so glad to have found it. Today, it was that light in a very dark room that I needed.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bustle/my-husband-didnt-settle-for-a-fat-wife_b_8648410.html?ir=Good+News&ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000023

“State of the Union”

I am happy.  It’s been a long, long time since I have been able to seriously say that and mean it. I have said it in the past, when asked by friends how I was doing, etc, but I was not being truthful with them or myself, because I wasn’t happy.  I can honestly say that I am now.  That being said, my life isnt all sunshine, rainbows and unicorns prancing about, but for the most part, I am happy.  I have my guy in my life who has made me the happiest I have been in regards to being in a relationship with someone.  I have been in several relationships and I have to say this one has been the best.  He proposed to me in October and we are planning for a Spring wedding.
We are bidding on a house and have high hopes of being in before the end of the year. The boys are so very excited about it and are excited to have their own bedrooms for the first time in their lives.

Im at a job I enjoy going to and I get to work with my guy (though not directly throughout the day). Somedays we ride into work together, other days we are at seperate buildings.  My boss, who I worked for in the past and was…tempermental to say the least is a completely different person and its actually a pleasure to work for him. Today he said something about paying for mine and my guy’s insurance fully. If he does do that, it will be such a relief for us as our insurance just went out to 550.00 a month for the two of us through NY State of health. Yea i know that isnt pricey as some plans are but for our income it is, especially with an impending rise in our monthly housing payment.

The boys are doing well. My oldest is in high school, my youngest is in middle school, both doing well in their studies…despite common core (dont get me started). My younger one,  plays trumpet at school for his second year now and still loves it. He talks about continuing till high school and being in the band there as they do a trip to Disney World and play marching through the park.  He is also playing soccer in the spring and fall with the township league.  Both boys are in cub scouts and step up to Boy Scouts in February.

Im anxious about the housing process.  i want them to come back and just say definitively that “Yes, you have the loan”.  We have filled out ALL THE PAPERWORK, signed our names literally 41 times, paid 450.00…all just for the mortgage application.  The inspection has been done ($350.00) and all is right with the house but for little things. The appraisal by the bank was done this past Monday, but I dont have status of that yet. It all makes me nervous. I want them to write or call back and say for sure we are being given the loan. It would ease my mind so much and I would relax more and maybe be able to do a few of the more fun things like pick out shower curtains and accessories for the bathrooms. Shop for an additional piece of furniture for the livingroom….new carpeting for the bedrooms. ya know? The waiting is unnerving! i also cannot wait to tell the landlord we are giving 30 day notice of moving out. Too many month of living with home repairs that have never been taken care of after countless requests. I have a bathroom faucet that the cold knob wont turn at all. The back steps are rotting out and two years ago he said he built a new riser and would install it after the ground thawed. Also said two years ago he’d replace the carpeting with a berber. None of these things have happened.  It is infuriating. Hence, time to go. Perhaps this was his eventual goal to begin with..to drive us out.

Crafting I am knitting socks, embroidering a book for a friends elevation, getting over a cold (thank you boys!). Just going about life day by day and hoping for that email or call that asks when i want to set up a closing date on the house. Part of me wants to start packing, but where would I go with the boxes?  So, we wait.  Till then we enjoy life and take it one day at a time and relax.